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Ah, Pattaya. Just saying the word makes me feel like I'm listening to an echo of techno filtered through a ceiling fan, while a scooter skims past a pad thai stand, skidding on a crushed mango. For many, it's synonymous with excess, mass tourism, Westerners in dodgy sandals and mojitos served in buckets. And yet. If you take the trouble to look beyond the clichés, behind the gaudy signs and tired neon go-go bars, you'll discover a city full of surprises, a tropical chameleon capable of going from urban chaos to absolute serenity in just a few minutes by tuk-tuk.
Pattaya is a bit like the Thai cousin of Las Vegas, if Las Vegas had grown up by the sea, raised by a family of zen fishermen and a retired techno DJ. It's a city that doesn't sleep - not because it's an insomniac, but because it's too busy juggling happy hours, Buddhist retreats and seafood festivals. At once kitsch and authentic, surreal and deeply human, she's like that street food dish whose name you don't know but end up licking up every last drop.
I remember my first arrival here. The taxi driver asked me if I wanted to go "direct to Walking Street" with a suspicious wink. I said no. He shrugged, turned up the Black Eyed Peas, and took me to watch the sunset over the bay. At that very moment, as stray dogs played in the waves and kebab vendors smiled for no reason, I realised that Pattaya wasn't what I thought it was. It was much better: it was unclassifiable.
The Sanctuary of Truth: Buddha meets Game of Thrones
In the north of Pattaya, where the clubs give way to tired palm trees, sits a spiritual UFO: the Sanctuary of Truth. Imagine a temple carved entirely of wood, without a single nail, standing facing the sea. A sort of Asian fantasy cathedral, as if Tolkien had been reincarnated as a zen-like Thai craftsman.
As you enter, you can almost smell the warm teak under the sun, the wood shavings still hanging in the air. The statues, half-human half-divine, stare at you with a little look of "Did you think we only made bucket cocktails here?". Get lost, naive tourist. Here, the talk is of spirituality, Hindu mythology, cosmic Buddhism and the ethical management of sawdust.
Anecdote: while visiting the site, a monk asked me to meditate for five minutes. I accepted. He looked me straight in the eye and whispered: "Don't think about anything. I immediately thought of my last ex. I missed enlightenment. But I bought a key ring.
Walking Street: the Broadway of debauchery
So there... we could NOT avoid it. The Walking Street is the beating heart of Pattaya, its Las Vegas under Red Bull, its carnival of fluorescent lights where modesty comes to die in jean shorts. From 7pm onwards, the street is transformed into an open-air theatre, with improvised scripts, scantily-clad actors and delighted (and often very red, thanks to the sun) spectators.
Gaudy signs, go-go bars with unlikely names ("The Windy Lady", I swear), the smell of kebabs and lukewarm beer... Here, every metre is a promise of chaos, every glance a gamble. It's fascinating, a little creepy, and absolutely impossible to forget.
One evening I was approached by a man dressed as a Pikachu offering me a foot massage "with bonus surprise". I ran away. But I regretted it. Not for the massage, mind you. Just for the photo.
Pattaya floating market: Thailand on boats
Change of atmosphere. We head for the Pattaya Floating Market, where we swap the noise of scooters for the gentle lapping of wooden oars. Imagine canals lined with little stalls on stilts, smiling merchants selling soups, jewellery and grilled insects (yes, I've tried them, and no, I won't do it again).
It's a bit of a sticky rice Disneyland, with the smell of jasmine and curry, colours to make a rainbow jealous, and a peaceful atmosphere - until you realise you've just eaten a skewer of scorpion. (Yes, really.). The highlight? A granny sold me an ice-cold coconut juice and told me she'd been kayaking until she was 82. She shook my hand like a ninja. My wrist still hurts.
Koh Larn: a turquoise getaway
Want to get away from the hustle and bustle? Take a boat to Koh Larn, Pattaya's neighbouring island, like a pause button in an overly rhythmic playlist. White sandy beaches, water as translucent as a well-dosed mojito, small seafood restaurants where the squid arrives still warm from the morning.
While I was there, I had a revelation: happiness is eating grilled prawns with your fingers, watching a stray dog take a nap on your towel. Nothing else matters. Not even your roaming phone bill.
The secret? Hire a scooter on the island and take to the heights. Panoramic views over the bay, wind in your hair, helmet too big, and that rare sensation of being exactly where you belong.
Yoga with a view (and monitor lizards)
Finally, for those who think that Pattaya is incompatible with well-being... well, they've never tried a yoga class on the banks of Lake Mabprachan. Atmosphere: almost total silence (apart from a dog barking in the distance and a curious monitor that passes between the mats).
This little-known lake is a jewel: lined with palm trees, crossed by morning runners and watched over by silent fishermen. The air is surprisingly pure, and even the mosquitoes seem gentler here.
During a morning class, I almost fell asleep during the final meditation. The teacher said it was "a sign of deep alignment". I think it was the mango-coconut pancake from before that did most of the talking. But I'll take it.
Pattaya, a delightful labyrinth
Pattaya is a bit like a Thai pressure cooker: you have to know when to open the lid, and especially with whom. Between sublime beaches, mystical wooden temples, crazy theme nights and unlikely quiet corners, this city has more layers than a caramelised onion. It makes you laugh, surprises you, sometimes disgusts you, and then, without warning... touches you. So go for it. Throw yourself into the deep end, between two mango sticky rice saleswomen. Forget your certainties, your preconceptions and your sense of dignity. You won't come back unscathed, but you'll come back alive. And probably with a dodgy T-shirt. Or a tattoo. Or both.
Find out even more about Pattaya on thetourist office and for a really successful stay, I recommend you try the Citrus Grande Hotel de Pattaya.
